The idea behind this blog was always to track my progress and to show people what it’s like to be transgender and what we have to go through to get to our goal. I wanted to make it clear to those who doubted it wasn’t a choice that no one would choose to be trans on a whim or for fashion or fad. No one would put themselves through hours, days of physical pain, mental and emotional pain unless it was so important to them that it was a choice only between life or death. No one would choose to be verbally and sometimes physically attacked in the street by people who think you don’t have the right to exist, and no one would choose to be misgendered, dead named and afraid to step outside of the safety of their own home.
I hope that if I have achieved nothing else, I have made those points clear and opened people’s eyes and hearts to the trans community, maybe making this little part of the world a tiny bit more inclusive and a bit safer. The other part of the reasoning behind this blog is to give advice albeit tongue in cheek at times to other trans people beginning there journey so that they can see the highs and the lows and watch out for the pitfalls and key points along the way. I intend to leave this blog up for people to use as much or as little as they like if it will help. Even though there will be no more blog posts, I will continue to support the trans community and indeed the wider LGBT+ community through my trustee work with Q: Alliance in Milton Keynes, my work with the incredible Kelly Walker-Reed at Inspiring Healthy Choices and through all the usual social media channels. If you want to ask a question, find me on Facebook and ask, I won’t bite unless you ask me whether I still have a penis which is wholly unacceptable and likely to cause me to be very rude to you.
My gender reassignment surgery is going to happen any day now and I open my front door each night with my heart in my mouth waiting for that letter to be on the mat. This for me will be the end of my journey and the beginning of the next one, my life as Amy Kate. Not Amy Kate, the trans woman, but Amy Kate who just happens to be trans. The process of transition is so consuming it eats all of your energy and takes over your life in every way imaginable. It makes you physically ill, it wrecks your ability to make sensible and controlled judgements on the simplest things, it makes you cry at things that would have once made you laugh, it makes you vulnerable, lonely and unsafe.
Transition is not all bad, as I’ve said it is a process, a period of time that like all periods of time passes. There are wonderful things that transition brings, not just physical things like boobs and a bigger bum but you become more tuned into your emotions and you have a much better understanding of who you are. In my case it also shifted my sexuality but this is rarely the case with trans people and probably stems from deep underlying denial and suppression in my former life. I now understand both my gender identity and my sexuality, the two are not linked in any way but transition has brought me clarity in both of these things.
So how do I identify from a sexuality perspective? I am Pansexual, which simply means I do not see gender, I just see people. If you are a guy or a girl or a guy that used to be a girl or somewhere in between, it really doesn’t matter to me as long as you have a good heart and I fancy you. It isn’t the same as being bisexual because in my case I am looking for an emotional romantic connection way before sex is up for discussion. In short, I’m about hearts not parts.
Aside from the changes that transition brings it has also opened up a world of possibility for me, I have relocated to a new town, changed my job, made amazing new friends, my tribe, the people who love me for me and not what they think I should be in order for them to feel safe and not have to challenge their beliefs and insecurities. It has also meant that I lost people, my brothers, my sister and 2 so called best friends. When I look back I never really lost them because I never really had them. They liked a person that they felt aligned to their own likes and comfort zones and I had to play along with that if I wanted to keep the friendships going. If I told my best friend Serena or Kelly or Laura that I wanted to transition back to male they would never turn their back on me in the way that these guys did, they would listen to me, understand my reasoning and be there to support me and offer comfort and advice. That is the difference between a true friend and a person who hangs out with you just because on the surface you seem to like the same things
I have grown so much as a person over the last 2 years, become more tactile, more empowered and a lot more sassy. I have discovered new talents, new pass times and hobbies and learned to accept that it is ok to still like some of the things I liked when I was a guy. Why can’t a girl like fast cars and bikes, big trucks and other stuff? I’m part of a Facebook group dedicated solely to women who fly drones both professionally and for fun. I attend a creative writing group here in Milton Keynes, I do charity work and so much more. None of these things seemed possible in my old life. I have found the balance between the loves of my old life and the loves of my new one and it is a wonderful place to be. Sometimes in meetings at work I find myself talking in technical language with other subject matter experts and I catch myself and look around the room at the confused faces of the others. All I can say is that I’m happy with who I am and that is a something I had never experienced until recently, feels great doesn’t it?
As with all things in this crazy modern life we lead, blogging has allowed the average person to have a platform, a pillar from which to say their piece, and spread their message. Just like the paper cups and plastic straws that are discarded everyday these blogs often end up the same way. I hope with all my heart that this one has at least a short shelf life and that people will still be able to look back over the posts and enjoy them, I certainly enjoyed writing them. I also hope they may still help people and provide answers to questions that burn within them. What I hope for most of all, is that you the people who have read and followed this blog over the last 2 years could feel how happy I am right now and know the inner peace and self-acceptance that I have finally found. For me the next steps are to take all the blog posts and turn them into a book. This is a piece of work I have dreamed of since the beginning of transition and I hope to be able to put more time and energy into it now that this project has ended.
So check out the older posts, and take a look at the links section where you will find some amazing and wonderful things and people. Laugh at my makeup tips and cry at the planning of my suicide. Understand what it is to be trans and know that whether you are or not, the very fact that you took the time to read it makes you an ally to us all and that is a very powerful and important thing.
To you all, my tribe, I love you...
Thanks for reading.
Amy Kate xxx.